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Death's Baby Carriage (and other timeless maxims) Compiled by Sal Moriarty


Ambrose Bierce was an American short story writer and journalist (among other things). Bierce's most famous short story is An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge (1890), set during the American Civil War (of which, Bierce was a veteran, on the side of the United States). It is one of the most anthologized works of American fiction in literary history.


Bierce was an interesting and mysterious figure. In 1913, at age 71, he followed Pancho Villa's army in Mexico as an observer. From Mexico, in his last known correspondence, he wrote a friend, “As for me, I leave here tomorrow for an unknown destination.” He was never seen or heard from again.


My favorite work by Bierce is The Devil's Dictionary. Satirical, it was written over decades in installments for various magazines. It was first published in book form, under its current title, in 1911. The definitions compiled below are from that work. It is my feeling satire is pretty much dead in America. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy these potent blasts from the past.


In no particular order:


Twice: once too often.


Absurdity: a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.


Edible: Good to eat...as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.


Happiness: an agreeable sensation rising from contemplating the misery of another.


Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself, and a wreck of his country.


Faith: belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.


Culprit: the other fellow.


Hearse: death's baby carriage.


Apologize: to lay the foundation for a future offense.


Academy: a modern school, where football is taught.


Day: a period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.


Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god, and a dog to a man.


Mediate: to butt in.


Patience: a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.


Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal in your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.


Accuse: to affirm another's guilt...most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.


Patriot: the dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.


Guilt: the condition of one who is known to have committed an indiscretion, as distinguished from the state of him who has covered his tracks.


Backbite: to speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.


Pedigree: the known part of the route from arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.


Hammer: an instrument for smashing the human thumb.


Alone: in bad company.


Equal: as bad as something else.


Jury: a number of persons appointed by a court to assist the attorneys in preventing law from degenerating into justice.


Once: enough.


Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.


Saint: a dead sinner, revised and edited.


Lawyer: one skilled in circumvention of the law.


Gunpowder: Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.


Year: a period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

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